Adolescent violence towards parents is a serious and common issue. If you’re a mother, caregiver, or relative, you might notice that your child is using violence or abusive behaviour to intimidate and control you and possibly other family members. This behaviour goes beyond typical ‘acting out’, and you might sense that something isn’t right.
It can be difficult to accept that your child’s actions are abusive. You might find yourself feeling stressed, guilty, or ashamed, wondering if you’re to blame for their behaviour.
Please remember, it is not your fault. Young people may act violently for various reasons, but violence and abuse are never healthy or respectful. It’s important for young people to take responsibility for their actions. You and your family deserve to be treated with respect and to live in a safe environment.
Abuse is any act that creates fear and is intended to cause physical, emotional, psychological, financial, or property damage to gain power and control over another person.
Myth:“They’re just letting off steam, they can’t help it.”
In reality: Abusive young people can control their behaviour. They choose to use violent or abusive actions to control and disempower you.
Most abusive young people use a combination of verbal and emotional abuse, threats, and property damage, as well as physical violence.
PHYSICAL:
- Hitting, punching, shoving, kicking, spitting, throwing objects
- Breaking items, punching holes in walls
- Abusive and bullying behaviour
FINANCIAL:
- Demanding money or purchases you can’t afford
- Stealing money or possessions
- Incurring debts that you have to pay
EMOTIONAL:
- Verbal abuse, swearing, yelling, put-downs
- Playing mind games — trying to make you doubt your sanity
- Making threats to run away, contacting child protection, or harm themselves to control you or get their way
SEXUAL:
- Viewing or making internet pornography
- Involving siblings in sexual behaviour
- Excessive or public masturbation
Who abuses?
It’s common for many toddlers to show aggression. While most children grow out of this phase, some may gradually become more aggressive as they grow bigger and stronger. Although violence can start at any age, it often becomes a significant issue between the ages of 12 and 17 years. Current statistics indicate that among adolescent offenders, about two-thirds are male and one-third are female.
Is it my fault?
Mothers often blame themselves for their children’s behaviour, feeling as though their children are punishing them for being a bad mother. This can leave mothers feeling like failures and believing they can’t manage the situation. This is not helpful. Young people may behave violently for various reasons. Regardless of the reason, violent or abusive behaviour is neither healthy nor respectful. Young people must take responsibility for their own behaviour and actions.
Risk factors?
The following factors may make abusive behaviour more likely, more severe, or harder to control. It’s important to remember that none of these things directly cause violence.
Substance misuse — Young people may be more aggressive and show less remorse when they are using drugs and/or alcohol.
Mental illness — Youth mental health services can support you in understanding the mental health issue and how best to support yourself and ensure your family’s safety and wellbeing.
Trauma and loss — Experiences such as war, migration, death, family separation, illness, and grief can affect how a child develops, copes with stress or conflict, makes decisions, or handles emotions. This can lead to abusive and violent behaviour.
Experiencing family violence — Children who experience family violence may be more at risk of using violence themselves, particularly if they are male. They may begin to see violence as a normal and acceptable way of communicating or resolving conflict.
Sexist attitudes — Common societal attitudes allow males, including young men, to feel entitled to control women and the household. Physical strength and dominance are often seen as defining qualities of being a man. Such attitudes and peer pressure can encourage macho behaviour in boys.
Attitude of over-entitlement — Sometimes parents focus on giving their children whatever they want at the expense of instilling a sense of responsibility. Some children see it as their parents’ job to make them happy — at any cost.
Temperament — Occasionally, there is just one ‘difficult’ child in a family who has personality traits such as being stubborn, impulsive, and combative.
Myth: “They’re also victims themselves.”
In reality: Abusive young people may have suffered trauma, grief, or loss — but this is an explanation, not an excuse. By helping them learn to handle their feelings better, you will be doing them a big favour.
Who is abused?
Family violence and abuse perpetrated by adolescents is an issue that affects all types of families from various backgrounds. However, for many reasons, mothers are more likely to be abused.
Women are often primarily responsible for parenting, which means they may be the ones enforcing rules while also feeling more protective of their children. This is especially true for women who have left their partners — sole and separated mothers are the most frequent victims of violence and abuse from their children.
There is no evidence that single parenting itself leads to abuse by children, unless there has been past family violence. However, sole parents may lack support to respond to their children’s violence, feel more isolated, and find it harder to deal with abuse from their children.
Young people may also abuse younger siblings, who may suffer developmental problems and long-term emotional and relationship difficulties as a result. It is important to intervene.
There is no excuse for violence. Some abusive young people may have mental health, drug, or alcohol issues, but they can still control their behaviour.
Regaining control and healing the relationship
Abuse thrives in silence and isolation. Parental abuse is still a taboo subject, much like domestic violence was twenty or thirty years ago. Although it may be difficult and embarrassing, it is very important to let others know what is happening.
Breaking the silence by finding a safe place to talk about what’s going on at home, whether with trusted family and friends or support services, can be the first step on your journey to regaining control and healing your relationship with your child.
It is very common for the abusive child to blame you, refuse to take responsibility for their behaviour, and reject counselling or other supports. Don’t be discouraged. By getting help for yourself and working on your own behaviour and responses, the situation at home can improve.
Young people need clear rules and consistent consequences to feel safe and secure, even if they push the limits. Although an abusive child may appear to enjoy their power, they are usually far happier when their parents take control and provide guidance and leadership. By holding them accountable for their actions, you are not violating their rights — you are teaching them how to behave appropriately.
What can I do to protect myself and my other children?
If your child is using violence, it’s important to create a safety plan.
Have a plan for how you and your other children will leave the house and where you will go. Make sure your other children understand the importance of sticking to the plan.
For more information, see 1800RESPECT Safety Planning.
Learn About Your Legal Options
It’s important to understand your legal rights and the rights of your child so that you are aware of all the options available to you, even if you choose not to take legal action.
You can take out an intervention order to protect yourself from your child’s abusive behaviour, even while they are still living at home. An intervention order can serve as a ‘wake-up call’ for your child, but you must be willing and able to enforce it. If you make threats and don’t follow through, your child may feel more powerful.
For more information, refer to the Victoria Legal Aid booklet “Safe at Home.”
Asking Them to Leave — The Last Resort
Removing the abusive child from the home for a short time until their behaviour changes may be effective. Unfortunately, in some cases, a more permanent removal may be the only solution to end the abuse and/or violence.
It’s also important to get support for yourself by talking to services such as family violence services, counsellors, and support groups.
Where to Go for Support
- Call 000 if you or someone you know is at risk.
- The Orange Door
- Call WIRE: 1300 134 130
- Family Relationship Advice Line: 1800 050 321
- InTouch (Multicultural Centre Against Family Violence): 1800 755 988
